I'm about to be slightly melodramatic, but I think it's appropriate to tell you the following; I fasted this last week. I prayed harder than I ever had before. I was in the bathroom, kneeling and whispering a prayer, with tears streaming down my face. I literally was at the point where I was thinking, "I cannot do this anymore..." I was feeling like the spirit wasn't guiding me, I felt like I was lost. The night before, I was up for at least an hour or two just laying there thinking terrible things about myself and how awful of a missionary I am. Even after getting a blessing from Elder Vance, and feeling all good about that... I guess Satan was really attacking me this time. Not only Satan, but my own self doubts and insecurities. I guess it might have been due to hormones, but argh, I don't know what it was. I felt a huge weight. Anyways, there I was in the bathroom, on the floor, and I whispered, "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen..." As soon as I said Amen, Sister Llewellyn put on some music in the other room. The song, "Be Still my Soul," began to play. No miracles have happened, no manifestations of the spirit, no voices from Heaven, but that simple song playing right when I said "Amen," is the only answer I needed. But, the answers didn't stop there. We went to District Meeting the following day, and the subject we talked about was having hope and faith in difficult times. (Okay, basically, I knew that was for me). I guess we all expect wonderful answers from Heaven, but sometimes we just get a little comfort in our times of need. Even Joseph Smith, in the pits of despair, cried out to God saying, "Oh God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" The reassurance he received was so simply, "endure it well..." I'm guess I just need to endure it well, and then God will exalt me and I will triumph over all my foes. Even my biggest foe, myself.
I guess a weird tender mercy is that our tire popped right next to a tire repair shop. Super convenient. Hehe
As for investigators, dropped mostly everyone, diligently seeking out more souls. As for less actives, still not coming to church. As for members, well, they need lots of help too. BUT, this Gospel is true. This church is the Lord's Kingdom. No unhallowed hand shall stop the work from progressing. Maybe there is a reason for this all. Heavenly Father, I don't know the lesson you are trying to teach me, but let's hurry this up a little bit, please?! haha I only have 7 months left... I guess I've just got to work harder, and harder, and harder than I ever have before. I have to love more fervently, teach more powerfully, and obey more exactly. It's exhausting, but God will help me.
I love this work. I love this Gospel. It is the hardest thing I have done in my life, so far, but it is so worth it.
Love you all,
P.S. Sister Llewellyn is teaching me more patios. I sound like an idiot trying to say it, but hey, at least I'm trying.
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